A desire fulfilled...

Wednesday went for an introductory session on wakeboarding with Yappy. Ehh.. dun be so shocked la...a not so sporty person can also afford to go try such things one k...bleah. I have always wanted to try this seasport a very long time ago but always din't managed to fulfill in the end due to one reason or another. Though with much delay initially, I ultimately just send in the late application together with my all-time confirmed companion Yappy to the person-in-charge in NUS and there we are at Punggol marina for this extreme sport!

Think alot of us were kinda nervous at first since afterall its our first time. Only 4 participants in each boat and yappy was the first one to have the kickstart after some briefing and demostration from the experienced. I must say Yappy was a very fast learner as expected given his natural talent in any outdoor activity and even the coach agreed that he learns well. Getting up from the starting position was the hardest part and he managed to get up after a few trials and begin to get the hang of it in a pretty short while. Too bad we dint bring our camera onboard the boat to capture his suave ride...hahz. Anyway, well done, Yappy!

I was the last one to try after a pretty long wait in the boat nearing to getting sea sick...I wasn't that good as Yappy of cos. Keep losing grip of the handle probably due to my wrong techniques of the starting position which to me was already a tantamount task to simply grip hold of it. Once the boat starts to gain speed, I simply had a hard time just trying not to let go of the handle before I can even get up!! I feel like giving up already bcos my fingers and arms are feeling sore and aching from the tight grip. It was only after a few series of tries plus the coach's much harsh assertion that I managed to get up in the end and get the feel of riding for a short while. I must say the feeling of riding above the sea water is pretty much a refreshing feeling. No wonder Yappy looked so high when he was riding on for a considerably long time. For me before I can get to fully enjoy the feel, I was choking and gulping in seawater again!! Wat a failure!!

I definitely would want to brush up my technique of standing up in my next session of wakeboarding probably not so soon though. It's quite expensive just for like the maximum 20 to 30 minutes for urself at $70. But I still think its a worthwhile sport for once in a while kind of thing. Now my upper body aches like hell. Yappy even ended up crawling on the floor when he reached home that nite. haha...Motivated to train my arm muscles first before the next session. haiz..Looks like there are so many parts of my body that I have to train ah..argh. I wanna be able to ride on the water for at least half a minute!! Hmmm...possible..?

Somehow this experience makes me realize that I am actuali someone kinda prone to giving up for things in various aspects of life. Like relationship matters, learning a new sports, losing weight and studies etc...Miraculously, it actuali makes me think again about whether I should so easily give up the thought of pursuing my Honours degree...As a result, I will give it a serious thought once again before drawing a conclusion so early...though I still very much need professional advice on this in the meanwhile. Ultimately I want to make sure that if I decide not to study Honours, it is NOT bcos I feel that I cannot handle BUT is due to other more practical reasons or plans in mind...I don't want to see myself as someone who escape from problems anymore...SET.

Season blues...

Finally my internet is back on track after some tedious trouble shooting processes. Tried all kinds of ways like calling PI technical support, clear viruses, change cable, tried direction connection to wall point, reformat computer, resetting modem and saving details, sent modem for check and nothing seems to be able to resume my internet connection to the speed it should be going. Finally the good and efficient technical support officers from PI after going through with me a series of tests on my pc thru the phone decided to send Singtel ppl to outside my house to check my phone line connection to the ADSL. Yeah. Indeed they find some fault with the line and had rectified the problem. Phew...I hope this problem will not be back again. It is so troublesome without able to surf internet smoothly!

I have no intention to write New Year resolutions this year. Probably know that they usually are hard to be fulfilled and ended up becoming impractical if without practical actions. I look back my last year resolutions and found most are too general and just idealistic desires.

My Caps score was improved slightly by this semester's results but that doesn't thrill me much since still not good enough to be taking Honours in my opinion. It does make me ponder for a long time whether I should change my mind but somehow something in me just wants me to follow my heart instead of doing something for the sake of doing. Just like being a sales promoter, I can only sell things if I believe in it not for the sake of selling it away. Same here if I want to continue my Honours degree, I want to do it out of willing passion not out of obligation. Nonetheless, I still hope for some miraculous force or motivation that will halfway change my mind or something...

Perhaps the main highlights of this year 2005 is my overseas project to Chiang Mai and the change in my 'marital' status to being attached this year. Both of which are one of my wishes for this year. What is next on my agenda in year 2006 is probably my graduation ceremony and the new start in the working world. So I guess the only wish that I have for next year is to be able to land myself in a job proabably in the social service sector. The main motivation for me to get a job is to get paid so that I can help relieve my Daddy in paying some bills and ultimately get him to retire soon! I don't want him to work and work and work! My mum needs more time to enjoy life with him too! I really would not mind spending less and saving more in future just to pay for all the bills enough to have him stop working, seriously. Thus ask me what my job ambition is, I don't have big dreams to fulfill. I just want a reasonable stable income to start with and I bet I would know more of what I want along the way.

I think shopping sucks. Window shopping alone is enough to make you crave and desire for things that you don't initially need in the first place. It gives you the chance to find out what you don't have and creates the temptation to want to possess them. I don't enjoy shopping as much now. I will only go shopping when I need to buy things mowadays. Or if I feel that I have extra cash to spare. But don't be mistaken that I hate shopping larh. I still see shopping as important in knowing what's the latest trends and products commonly found in the market and also an opportunity to people-watch the newest fashion, hairstyle and colour among youngsters in the streets. Shopping still has its joy la despite having to curb the desire to buy things.

Glad to have the annual 2/4 chalet to attend once again and to have it held during Xmas period is all the more splendid!

So merry xmas to all of you!

P/S: I have not been meeting out with a particular pri sch fren for a long time. We used to meet out some time for swimming and shopping but seem not anymore...I believe each of us is assuming that the other is busy with her own friends and stuff and thus never took the initiative to call out. I dunno what caused the drift. I wondered if she still reads my blog... Maybe cos I am seldom on MSN so less chances to know of each other's updates. I still hope that she will contact me if she sees this...

Peak period

Sorry for the slow update of my blog if you have been religiously revisiting it. My home internet connection is often throwing tantrums and I am busy catching up deadline after deadline.

It's the time of the semester again when I will feel the most stressful. It's the feeling of not having enough time left to study what I want and the feeling of anxiety that is being aroused in the process. And you know that no one can help you to study except yourself, yet you feel lazy and tired to do so sometimes. So frustrating. I want to find back my motivation that I have lost in the process but I doubt I can...cos there is seriously not enough time!!!

Anyway I just came across a website link from Iris's blog. So out of boredom, I went to try it out myself since it seems very true for her. ha...

Your Birthdate: January 7

You are an island. You don't need anyone else to make you happy. And though you see yourself as a loner, people are drawn to you. Deep and sensitive, you tend to impress others with your insights. You also tend to be psychic - so listen to that inner voice! Your strength: Your self sufficiency Your weakness: You despise authority Your power color: Maroon Your power symbol: Hammer Your power month: July

http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanquiz/

The part abt the inner voice is so in line with the title of my blog!
Haiz..sounds bad on the whole... no wonder there are ppl who ever use words like aloof, indepedent, cold to describe me b4. (Blame it on my bdae ok! ) Even the strength stated I feel could be my weakness too cos I usually don't like to seek help from ppl when I rather do things on my own...that in a way can possibly and potentially decrease my interaction with ppl.

Now, look below at my dearest yappy's results. That is so true abt him!

Your Birthdate: June 3

You are more than a big ball of energy - you are a big ball of hyper. You are always on the go, but you don't have a type a personality. Instead of channeling your energy into work, you instead go for fun and adventure. Witty and verbal, you can have an interesting conversation with anyone. Your strength: Your larger than life imagination Your weakness: You tend to be pretty scattered Your power color: Lime Your power symbol: Lightening bolt Your power month: March

So now you guys know when our bdaes are already yar, know what to do next year on these 2 dates I hope. Thanks in advance! ;p

"I have bad genes...!"

Evolutionary psychology emphasize on natural selection of the so-called good genes that can propagate the continuation of human species with regards to adaptational pressures in the ever-changing world.

It captures the idea of the 'survival of the fittest'...something along this line.

It sometimes seem to me that I have inherited all the bad genes from my parents. Allow me to be paranoid...will I then be subjected to early elimination from the world one day?

After thinking abt my parents' good and bad traits, I realized that I have selectively inherited their respective bad traits instead of capitalizing on their good ones which is so unfortunately to speak of.

Some illustrations:

I am quite lazy and untidy in my things and handwriting. (which followed my mum as opposed to my dad's ultra neat organisational style)

I can be too rigid and practical in my way of thinking. (which followed my dad as opposed to my mum's free-style unconventional attitude)

I am more introverted. (which followed my dad as opposed to my mum's extraverted personality)


This reminded me to talk abt the topic on extraverts and introverts.

Just to say it briefly cos I'm lazy,

Everyone has different degrees of extraversion and introversion in them. I am so-called 33% more twds the introverted side, or so a personality test says.

As can be seen, I put a somewat negative connotation to introversion by saying that I inherited this bad trait from my dad. Ok, to be fair, I am not saying that being introverts is bad.

Just that from an evolutionary perspective, if you are a naturally extraverted person, you are likely to function more advantageously well in this world, or so I feel. You are likely to take the role of leading and influencing the crowd, having your opinions heard, performing on stage and enjoying better social relationships with others.

There is even a research done to find out whether extraverts are happier individuals than introverts.....needless to say, you can guess the research finding yourself. Perhaps most of the things that extraverts like to do serve to produce and enhance their level of self-esteem, joy etc within themselves. In addition, it could be due to the fact that introverts draw energy more twds their inner self than extending it outwards so they have a tendency to ruminate on their negative thoughts.

Yes, I am making a generalizing sweeping statement so don't quote me. There are certainly other situational and social factors that can influence every outcome. There is no absolutism.

To each his own.

Jus my 2 cents worth...

"Some of the cliches we so love to use and hear..."

"Nothing is impossible. You can be what you want to be. "

Oh.. is that reali so? If you inherently just don't have what it takes to be what you want to be, can you still be who you want to be? Probably not...

E.g: So many ppl want to be superstars. But look at them....majority will probably fall under the "cannot make it" category. You know what I mean...when you first hear them sing or see them act. We know how to pat and compliment them for their courage to try but inside us, we know they can never make it on the real stage no matter how hard and long they try cos they just lack the natural qualities to become one. As realistic as that.


"Think positive. It's not the end of the world."

Then I rather it be the end of the world so that all my problems will not need to be solved and be gone together with everything and everyone.

Nah. I mean..

if it's so easy to think positive whenever you want, den you can go becum goddess in heaven!
Who don't want to think positive? I am sure those depressed ppl know this philosophy of life very well at their finger tips too but they just can't help thinking negative! Isnt it?

I think it just goes down to a very impt factor: Personality.
Some ppl tend to think more positive while some more negative...

From here, it links me to the topic on extraverts vs introverts. Are extroverts generally happier individuals than introverts? I want to leave it to my next post to talk more abt it.

"Live simple. Be contented with your life."

What is live simple? How simple is simple, you tell me? With the high cost of living still escalating and will continue so, it is a difficult task to enjoy reasonably well if you have little money. Peer comparison may be enough to make you think that your life is not good enough as compared to the so called 'norm'. Your socializing activities got affected when you cant live up to the lifestyle of your surrounding peers. You may not mind living simple but the social context you are in is the one that acts pressure on you. Bombarded by surrounding social temptations that signify the joys of living and by a certain desire to indulge in the luxuries of life, its not easy to wanna live simple afterall...


With the desire to think more positively in life, I shall leave a postscript to end my post...

Though there are certain things we cannot presumably achieve even however hard we may try, the process of achieving it will nonetheless be a fruitful experience for one. There's nothing to lose. Who knows, during your journey of exploration, other new better opportunities might just open up for you! This does happen!

Linking back to one of my previous posts, it's reali based on one's own priorities that define one's own contentment. Sometimes, its reali the little things in life that are enough to make one's living in this world a worthwhile one... Trust this!

No cliche...

"I'm not a girl, Not yet a woman. "

The physical age of 21 doesnt make me feel like a grown-up at all. I am still bearing the mental age of say, 18 yrs old? Especially so in the case of social and emotional intelligence, and probably also in my general knowledge (feel even more so after watching Sg's Brainiest Kid).

Pathetically, the only moment when I do feel like one is when I am driving alone. The feeling of freedom on the road, in control of an adult toy, is a sensation that I never get to experience when I was younger. So the ability to drive now is by far the only way to make me feel like an adult.

If not,
I am still being seen and treated like a girl at work, among family members, relatives, neighbours and even hawker auntie and taxi driver.
I am still dressing up like a teenage girl, instead of looking like a young mature lady.
I am still talking like an ignorant girl who appear to know very little of the outside complex world.
I still like to sulk and grumble abt going to school, doing test and exam.
I still have problems coping with my negative emotions that shldnt arise in the first place. (one of the aspects of emotional intelligence)
I still dun feel competent enuff to face future challenges ahead of me.
I still yearn for immediate gratification like a kid for most things like the consumption of food to the witnessing of fast results.

Sometimes, I even feel ashamed to reveal my age when asked, cos I have a feeling that the person must have presumably guess a much tender age of me, after basing on my behavior and speech pattern.

It isnt especially a compliment for me to hear ppl say, "Ehh you dun look like Yr 3 " or "You dun like your age at all leh". Ok.. Dun get me wrong, I don't hate ppl saying that. I just feel neutral larh. Some ppl get high hearing such comments. I don't. Just neutral lar. Probably they are referring to my looks but I usually take it that they are using my overall social behavior or other indicatiors as the reference points for judgement. If so, that is pretty sad to know that I am not behaving like what a 21 yr old shld...





[Last but not least, the realization of what it takes and feels to be truly in love has taught me some lessons to being an adult, which I am still learning. Being able to feel like a woman yet treated like a girl is certainly more than what I can ask for. Thanks dearie for givin me this extraordinary feeling... ]

"Emotions on the loose"

Why are we biologically designed to let water flow out of our eyes in view of events that are too overwhelming for us to handle calmly?
Why make us waste water like that?


I hate the feeling of wanting to cry. The feeling of not wanting to be seen crying but yet you just can't control the tears from flowing out of the rim of your eyes.
And when ppl try to coax or probe into it, the more you can't stop yourself for water wastage from your eyes.

I just so disliked to be seen crying. For one thing, I look ugly when I cry. For another, I don't wish to give ppl the idea that I can actuali cry so easily.

Easily indeed, which is a very sad fact for me cos I reali don't want to feel like crying just so easily. This sort of feeling makes me feel weak and vulnerable which is definitely not what I would like to experience in circumstances when I should brave up to it instead of feeling 'weak'.

Due to this sad fact, I can't argue with ppl effectively. My mum remembers me from young for quarrelling with her halfway and suddenly voice change, distorted words and off I scramble to my room to cry.

Due to this sad fact, I can predict that there will be little room for me to stand up for myself in times if I were to be maligned/accused by ppl one day. The buffer time between my first word and the moment I start to feel the surge of tears in my eyes is too short for the display of my full speech of defensive words.

It is very sad cos I always have so many things to say back but I know I cannot say it out cos once I start, I know I will begin to feel water circling in my eyes which then will hinder what I want to say. I definitely don't want to appear to be using the 'ku rou ji' either.

The most embarassing incident now that I suddenly recalled. I almost cried infront of a job interviewer when I try to relate and describe how agonizing it is to do sales in the streets. OMG! Can you believe that?
I find myself ridiculous too after I left the interview room. Crazy woman.

I think most of the time I had too desperately wanted to bring my point across and in the process over-expressed in my tone and gestures. That is so usual of me which I consider a bad flaw.

But the flaw that I am more interested to overcome is still to be able to hold back my tears in circumstances when I shouldnt just so easily let them be generated in the first place.

The complexity of human emotions

Being able to feel is a double-edged sword.
We can feel happiness, excitement, anticipation. At the same time, we are subjected to the hell of emotions like anger, anguish, anxiety and sorrow.

As much as we try to find ways to curb negative emotions from bombarding our heart and soul, their entry is often inevitable and their effects formidable. In short, we are the victims of our very own emotions. Do you agree?

I realize there is absolutely no end to life's worries and frustrations. They come in series and waves, one after another, sometimes gentle mild waves, at times big and strong tides.

The once young and naive me used to believe that life's worries will come to an end when my major exams are over and done with and only then, I will be able to retrieve back my joyful and carefree smile and start to be truly happy after that. But hard facts of reality then strike me the point that there is actuali no end to life's worries...new ones will keep coming up after old ones get resolved...

Or just like when you finally gain friendship or love from someone, your next new worry might be the fear of losing them one day....

Somehow, the only way to maintan a certain level of peace and harmony in oneself is to face life's troubles with an optimistic view and an appropriate learning attitude since there is no way of avoiding it. Easier said than done, issit what you want to say again?

Nonetheless, I have always been pondering whether

we humans are really victims of our own emotions or are there ways to manage our emotions effectively?

Of cos, I would like to believe in the latter and I have been experimenting with my own emotions from then and now to see whether I have the ability to gain control over it. Here is my summarized finding:

Hypothesis: I can control how I want to feel.

Method: In my own privacy, whenever I feel the impending negative emotions on their way to harass me, I would keep talking to myself to implant appropriate thoughts in me. This is to trigger corresponding emotions in replacement of unwanted ones.

Results: It is possible, but only to a certain extent. It is easy to get back to square one if you slack in your efforts in trying to control them. You need to consciously monitor your emotions and be aware of how they are affecting you subconsciously and tackle them actively.

Limitations: Same method used in different circumstances give different results.

Weird experimentation? Well its just my desire in wanting to feel right in order to feel good.

Ppl always say follow your heart, let your emotions flow freely etc. Being able to feel is what makes us humans, afterall...

My added words of advice: Just dun lose yourself in the process of it, it's important.

Gossiping and rambling away....

(Wah so long post...add it on whenever I free one...thats y. Feel free to read if bored. ha. Some parts are more for myself to let off steam than for your reading pleasure. ;>)

Intro
My recent part time job as a waitress in a Jap restaurant. (Ask me for name yourself)
To count the exact number of working days is only 13, still counting...

Culture
The restaurant is very noisy, alot of shouting here and there. Japanese words flying all over the place. So noisy, so troublesome. Bo bian, its their culture. Have more or less gotten used to it though I still don't shout as loud and frequently as others larh. I always 'eat snake', tend to shout only when necessary. Got 100 over food dishes in the menu. Kinda overwhelming at first cos scared customers ask me questions abt the food that I dunno how to answer on the spot.

Business
Office lunch hour is hot. Fri nite is horribly busy. Queue outside waiting plus calls coming in to make reservation. I hate to be hurried to set table when there's a limit to the speed of my hands larh, so irritating. Just shut up lor, give me some peace larh. Btw if you are reading this, don't come here eat on Friday nite k, go elsewhere eat larz k! We are very busy alreadi. Will not give you our best service and attention one.

Salary
Ask me yourself. I already considered the pay as not bad for a waitressing job, as compared to normal $4 to $5 /hr in other restaurants. Different pay rate for weekday and weekend even. The staff will share the tips UNEVENLY. The longer period you have worked there, the more you will get. I got a tip of only $3, for the first time today. Dunno is a monthly basis or wat larh. Then if we hit sales target, I've heard we will each get extra hongbao money also. I have trust in this company cos it's a proper structured Japanese organization, from the way they conduct training and the staff hierarchy.

Colleagues
I don't like the supervisors here. There are 4 female and 1 male supervisors altogether. My past experience gives me the feedback that female superiors will not treat female employees as nice as male superiors would. I dislike Anne the most- her mean and sacarstic way of responding to my needs, her authoritative way of ordering me to do this and that and her unhelpful attitude twds me! My mum says maybe I have presented myself as those guai guai type, easily bullied pattern with my 'bookish' appearance, someone who will not whine or complain when being asked to do things so she dares to assert her authority on me as a supervisor. I hate it when she hurrys me to do things. Someone pls sing the song "shut up" to her. I hate it when she gives me the impatient look when I ask her questions regarding work. I hate it when she likes to question my every action. Cant she give me some freedom and the benefit of trial and error, bit*chy bit*ch lehzz. She is those kind who will leave me in the lurch when I encounter problems. BUT sometimes when she speaks nicely to me and say thank you to my help, I can afford to forget her mean-ness altogether. I becum willing to give myself a chance to change how I feel twds her. No..put it another way, I am allowing her chances to be nice to me b4 I give her a bad label permanently in my heart. It is afterall not a good feeling to dislike/hate someone. You are actually hurting yourself if you choose to hate someone.

If you are nice to me, I will be nice to you as well. If not, I will do nothing but merely treat you as invisible. This is what happened. Theres a full-timer, Kate. She is mean to me a few times so I decide to treat her as invisble at work, glance pass her everytime when walk past her, minimal interaction with her. But again, when she speaks nicely to me, I realize I can 'forgive' her altogether and decide to give her more chances to be nice to me b4 I decide to be nice to her.

But still, any questions or problems now, I will not choose to ask her or Anne. I not so stupid to get myself hit on pricky nails now.

I like Oliver, the assistant manager. He gives me comforting smiles and reassuring words. Nice. Such a good-mannered and responsible man. Definitely a good husband and father back in his home. Other colleagues I like will probably be Aurange, Kit, Shaoyu and Weizhang. They are the only ones who smile at me and offered to teach me stuff on my first few days of work out of their own initiative. Nice. Don't see I like blur blur in the restaurant... always quietly doing my work, I am so aware of those who are nice to me and who are not lorz. If I have a magic wand, I will grant those nice ppl to heaven straight away, and those 'bad' ppl to....well...the zoo.

Lesson
I have learnt many things needed for the work thru the hard way unfortunately, that is, through mistakes that I have made b4 and after being told off by supervisors after each mistake made. Probably also learnt to be more immuned to being told off for mistakes made liao, even when not entirely my fault and yet no room for defensive explanation. Still remember got one time I tried to explain why I make a particular mistake, my supervisor exlciamed 'Don't give me excuses!' and went off. But now I know her pattern larh, she is only fierce during busy hours. So no hard feelings twds her alreadi.

Debrief
Despite the seemingly long complaint of mine, I should think that this is a job that I can stay long thru my sch semester. The job itself is ok. Its just me not being able to reach the full comfort level with my colleagues that give discount to how I feel abt this job la so in the end is neutral feeling lorz. I will continue working when sch starts as they are very flexible with the schedules that we have.

Source of motivation
I am always calculating the money that I have accumulated so far from the job to motivate myself to hang on to it. Yeah...I need to earn back the money that I have spent in the holidays. So much 'losses' to recoup from frens' bdaes and the thai trip in this hol. For now, I will not allow myself to go shopping until I see my bank account money resume back to its 'golden line'. I literally walk past boutiques now without giving a second glance ok.

Reminder
Pls refrain from lending money from me these days as I'm feeling stingy and just so very afraid of not being able to get my money back from you. (note the dollar signs in my eyes these days) Ppl always say that when you lend money, you must lend with the mentality of not being able to get it back. Paiseh hor, I am for time being not attuned to that kind of mentality, for your info.

And for anyone who still owe me money whether recently or back in stone age, pls have pity on me and kindly return me out of your own initiative b4 I decide to hire loansharks to chase after you.

Last but not least, I am really not a calculative person. ( ;>)

Back from Karen village...(some pix added)

Sawadee Kha.....! I am back from Chiang Mai.. selective points to jot down and share...

It was difficult to stay perfectly clean and hygienic throughout the stay in the village due to the muddy soil everywhere and some form of inconvenience of washing. Infact, it would be troublesome to want to stay clean all the time. In the end, you will just give up abt stayin clean. Will not forget how Caixin laugh at me after spotting dirty marks on my hand even after my bath and wondered whether I had really done my shower or not. hahz. Quite embarrassing but funny. haha. Aiyar with the dark cubicle and icy cold water in the nite, how to bathe clean lehz you tell me? ;p

My first time witnessing and helping to build a check dam right from scratch. Digging soil, filling them in haversacks, carrying and stacking stones, cutting and inserting wood pegs etc. I enjoyed eating our packed lunch under our tent in the rainy weather with our hungry stomachs and drenched and stinky clothes. The food just tasted especially delicious.

I like the loud siren sound of the flying animal (lumur?) that we heard in our night trek in the forest. It was so distinctively loud and clear. I hope to have a chance to hear it again and even see how it looks like. The dark in the forest indeed has nothing to fear of...the only thing you should want to fear is the presence of other humans. (courtesy of what Uncle Sam said)

I had quite alot of mosquito bites on my legs and hands and also on my forehead. Now left the healing marks. Quite ugly. haz.

I am loving to eat vegetables. We eat them almost everyday. So crunchy and nice!

The kids here are all "lork" (handsome) and "swuai" (pretty), really !! Will remember some of the especially cute kids which of cos include Kana Por! I also cannot forget the eyes of a lonely yet smiley girl who is always alone with herself and never dare to speak up and play with other kids, due to her family background. I can see that she desires some attention and affection from the ppl around her but yet scared of intimacy with ppl. I dunno how to engage her in mixing with others as she just seem to prefer to observe ppl play, seemingly in envy.. The least that I can do is to hold and hug her to show some her of my attention...

I appreciate the presence of every individual member in the group. Each of them has in one way or another made my stay a pleasant one. Different personalities come together to bring sparks to each other. I've learnt much from them. Everyone has been cooperative and easygoing.

Many of us went for full body Thai massage in town on our recreational day. Quite an experience and pretty fun as we all are stationed together in a big room, experiencing the same thing.

When I am back home, I suddenly feel that I don't wanna live with the existence of the television and the computer. They had simply made life busier and complicated, somehow....haiiz.....

I think I have written 'ba lep ber durp" (too much) .... (the favourite karen lang we have picked up) I am lazy to describe all that had happened...I am just glad to have gone on this trip and experiencied something different from my usual life.



Our toilet and bathroom cubicles. They are beta than I had imagined! Lucky siaz...


Our makeshift tent at the worksite. All so drenched and dirty.hahz.


The xiao shuai ge in my eyes among all other good lking boys.


The super wonder kid who has great breath to boast of! Everyone adores her.


The sch kids posing for us on our last day b4 going to sch.

(pics taken by courtesy of Roy's album. Thanks for uploading. I like quite many of the pics U have taken from the angles you have chosen.)

'Away from office' notification

Incase I am 'accused' of being MIA (missing in action).

Just to inform you guys that I will be away to the long-awaited trip to Chiang Mai on Mon afternoon to 20th July for the overseas community project I have mentioned b4.

Bought a new 35 litres backpack just for this trip plus my own handheld carrier. Quite heavy, so hope all that I have brought along will be put to good use and enough for the trip.

Feel relieved that I have cut my hair short b4 this trip cos heard the bath water is reali cold. With the burden of my long hair removed, I think it will save me quite alot of trouble...yeah... I love the convenience of short hair.

For the first time, my mum, my sis and I will be situated in Thailand while my Dad in Malaysia. Probably have had a chance to tell some of you that my sis had recently set off to Bangkok for a mth or so for her modelling while my mum went along with her for the first few days. While I set off to Thailand on Mon afternoon, my mum will be back from Thailand in the nite. haiz...can't even see her in person to say bye at least. ha

Anyway, thats abt all.... remindin u not to sms me these days orelse overseas charge will be on your side I think....yeah.. so dun say I neva tell u. hahx.

Byebye for now....and thanks to a few of you for your thoughtful farewell sms. . .

"There's something about Mary" (typo: Mary=Gin)

I am quite stingy when I have no money but being stingy is not my nature. Let's put it this way. I am just being calculative on my "poorer" days. No movies and shopping. Pardon me pls.

I appreciate honesty very much but not demeaning straightforwardness. There is a difference. But given straightforwardness or telling lies, I wld still prefer the former but appreciate it less than the gesture of honesty.

I am not good at telling lies. Cos I am not spontaneous enough to think of imaginary details to respond fast enough. And I really don't like the feeling of it. So pls don't ask me play the card game Bluff. Nonetheless, that doesn't mean I have not told a single lie in my entire life before. It is totally impossible. Any person is already telling a lie if he says he never told a lie before.

I have alot of shortcomings. They are very hard to change though I always would hope to change myself for the better. It takes time and effort and some cognitive psychology to take place. I realized that it's easier to change how one perceive things than one's character traits. I used to dislike myself very much in the past but only in recent years I have grown to accept myself and my own identity.

I feel that there's no one and only one in the world cos infact, there will be many ppl along the way you would think that match with your liking. It's only a matter of who you want to give your heart to and stay true to it. Marriage is therefore a legal commitment to block one from any future temptations thereafter.

We have seen in movies and TV dramas when a married man say to his secret lover this line " If only I had known you earlier...." It depicts 2 facts. First, one may bound to meet even more suitable lovers along the way. Second, time factor is a crucial thing, as in who you meet first in your life.

"There's no end in comparing"

My dad asked me this while we were strolling back home after our Sunday morning jog.

"Hui, do you think you are prettier or jie? "
"hhuuhhz..why ask me this aiyoh?" I replied with my usual ridiculous tone.

So silly, so superficial. Not that simple qn I suspect.

Ultimately his concern was actuali to find out whether I do feel any form of jealousy twds my sis's modelling achievements. (not again..) Cos when he was young, he felt that twds his own siblings' good grades so he assumes I do feel some negative feelings. Wrong assumption then! If theres any, it would be admiration of her courage to try out what she can rather than to harbour any form of morbid jealousy.

To each his own. I have my healthy level of self-esteem and dignity as a human being. Why would I ever let such superficial comparisons affect me? It doesn't bother me at all, I can even joke abt it.

This led me to the current topic of today's post:

Issit human nature to like to compare themselves with others? Do we use others as a means to see where we stand? Does that explain why ranking is so commonly used in school and at work?

Can I then say that unhappiness with one self usually originates from comparison with others?

Highly true. Just compare city life and rural life. Tense competition and coporate ladders to climb vs simple pleasures and limited knowledge of the outside world.

The more you know abt others, the more upset and dissatisfied you probably turn out to be.

The simple fact: You compare, you den get despair. You realize what you don't have...and start working to be like others, or even beta.

The simple rationale behind this mentality: You want to live good for yourself and others to see.

The bottomline: There is no end to comparison. You can compare by all you want since it's human nature. What's important is to follow your own priorities in life and live what you deem good enough for what life means to you, personally. If that can be achieved, you reali don't have to care abt how the rest of the world is doing, as long as you are happy with your own life.

The caution: Cannot be too easily contented also.

The catch: Life is always in a dilemma. Be very confused. It's part of the package.

"Randomization"

Realized that I have not been blogging for quite some time. Don't have a specific issue in mind to talk about so will be blabbering away randomly just to keep this blog updated at least. May be abit boring to read for those not involved...

Now is already mid june. so fast. Have been quite happy so far in this holidays maybe cos have been busy with different upcoming things along the way so no time for any sort of depressive episode to occur anytime. When your mind is preoccupied, you have less time to find small little things to get sad over.

The most recent event is my very good frens' joint bdae celebration. That is yapjin-cum-jingya bdae party which was entirely planned and prepared by a few of us. I think the process of it is quite fun and exciting as we brainstormed wat games to play and anticipate what will happen and stuff. It gives us reasons to meet often to discuss abt it. Most of their frens are quite sporting and cooperative with our silly games and forfeits and together with the bdae girl and boy with their gemini personality, it ultimately makes the party a successful one! Nice ppl, nice outcomes! The swimming pool resided in the condo really make it a convenient spot for pranks or sabo to occur any time. I will not forget jingya's condo pool for sure cos I got thrown into it on 2 different fateful occassions- one time on my bdae and the most recent on their bdaes! So scary and shocking when 2 pairs of hands suddenly come grabbed me from behind like that. Traumatic 'rape' experience. [btw theres something called the Rape myth: 'Girls enjoy being raped?' its obviously not true FYI!! ] Hey, I can afford to struggle even more one ok, I am just giving in to your in the end only! so dun play play!

Very glad to see most of our JC frens. It's reali rare chance to see them again unless we purposefully organize regular outings which is quite unlikely. Nice of them to turn up and stay for quite long during the party!

Let me mention this though it shld be private, I had my very first passionate kiss with the most unexpected gender after the party, all in the name of fun and experience only. Even had it video filmed and photographed by accompanying close frens! hahaz. Shant elaborate here in public since it shld be personal. *wink*

As I have said b4, the online friendster network is analogous in our real life. Friends get to know each other's friends and becum a bunch of good frens together. For certain outings and occassions, it's def better to have a bunch of common mutual frens. Can do more things together. On the other hand, it's always a pleasure to get to see who those ppl reali are after hearing so much from your fren. Eg ZH, Ken and Alex whom Yokie always mention to us. Its the feeling of 'so des neh' (in jap) when meeting those ppl in person after hearing so much abt them. And it's reali a good thing that YJ can click so well with us and now we can always call him along for any of our gatherings and outings. Told you its friendster in real life! It's amazing.

I also realized that the presence of a convenient mode of transport can make more things possible. That is to say, havinig a car around among frens make late nites possible and previously inacessible places more possible to visit. All these while reali must thanks to yokie's and karina's cars that have made so much convenience to the rest of us. hehz

Hope Karina can make it to Yokie's bdae celebration but at the same tme also hope she can get her job interview in UK. Dilemma.

Glad that Phil is back on track with us after a minor incident that happened. Time allows one to give thought to a matter and decide what should be the best course of action and attitude by means of what your heart tells you.

The coming of July also means that my thai trip is coming soon. Kinda scared of mosquitoe bites and hygiene problems. ha. obviously they are for me to overcome and not avoid larh. No choice. Got to learn to cope. At least can see that the ppl going along are kinda nice and easygoing bunch of guys and girls. That shld be more impt than anything.

Abit miss talent scouting...the job that can force out the more outgoing persona in me to reach out to ppl in the streets. The wide amazing eyes to show my interest in them. The more higher pitched tone for clearer voice. And the casual frenly talk that I can strike with some chatty ones. But whenever I recalled the agony in getting enough numbers everday and the cold shoulders I will receive from some rude ppl, I know I am not missing it for long.

Old friends vs New friends (classifying....?)

Similarity:

~Can have a chatty good time with both.
Old friends: Easy to catch up with, many new updates to exchange with one another, good old memories to bring up and rekindle.
New friends: many things to learn and discover abt the new friend, his opinions on certain things, hobbies, family background etc....just like learning a new topic of interest.

Differences:

Old friends: quantity of time known leads to the heartwarming sense of familiarity when meet. familiarity breeds liking.
New friends: mixed feelings of excitement and apprehension on first few meetings/outings.

Old friends: even when long time not meeting up, you know the frenship bond is still intact, the thought of them will still linger in your mind from time to time.
New friends: a lapse of time not meeting up may result in a 'forgetting' effect of that fren then slowly lose contact totally.

Old friends: you can say things more at ease without fearing to be judged differently, can talk abt practically anything under the sun.
New friends: you select topics to talk abt depending on the personality/interest of them.


Old friends: you are aware of the flaws they possess but have come to terms with it cos you know its what make them different from others.
New friends: they seem so nice and all, not enough time/oppt/chance to see their flaws.

Old friends: you can be more of yourself according to your mood and stuff. ( like maybe not smiling when you dun feel like it)
New friends: you have to be more polite and friendly just incase they get the wrong signal from your facial expressions. (like interpreting that u dun like talking to them when u dun smile when actuali u are just being tired)


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I actualli enjoy making new frens, potential good frens that is, not just mere acquaintances. Have come across certain ppl whom I think have great potential in becoming my good frens but certain limiting factors just dun allow it to happen. No wonder ppl always say that frens who stay are those you have known back in your younger school days... cos they are the earliest batch of frens whom you first met and known and liked and have gone thru the common experiences together with you. However so. I shall refrain from having the mental stereotype that making new good frens are harder as one grows up. It depends on fate, effort and opportunity which I deem as important factors that can allow a frenship to grow.

To my 2/4 clique (stella,yiling,shiying) : I know we seldom meet up on a regular basis and may not be as close as before but I realli appreciate how we come together as a clique back in 2/4 days and now still see each other once in awhile to catch up with one another. Hope you guys dun feel that I am favouring (the so called) newer frens cos in my heart I will never forget you all.

"Can I have your contact number....ppllllssss?"

My first job which allow me to openly get phone numbers from pretty boys and girls in the streets. It sounds fun.....at first...only.

Yeah. I am the so called Talent Scouter...one of the many you will bump into in Orc mrt or outside Hereens these days. We approach many more girls than guys on average. As long as you look acceptable, wear trendy, dun walk too fast, we most likely will come say hi to you.

High turn over rate in this job. Tiring. Imagine begging phone numbers every minute of the day. You think it's easy? Go do this for a few days and you will know how tedious it is. There is quota to be reached. Quantity is more impt than quality. We just want phone numbers! Whether you really can becum a model or not we don't care! We are just that desperate!

But for me, I try my best to pick good ones unlike my colleague who get phone numbers from any Tom, Dick or Harry until my supervisor question her abt her taste. hahzz. She got a long list of numbers lor...while me always need help from my supervisor to reach my quota cos i hesitate too much, too picky.

My opening line: "Hello. I am from XX model agency (show name card)...How old are you first?.... I am looking for young and pretty faces for TV commercial and fashion magazine..I find you rather unique/sweet lking. Can I have your contact number?" (holding pen ready to jot her name)

Of cos most ppl will be too shocked to react...and you will haf to talk more to convince her into giving you her number.

Some of the more vivid encounters/responses:

Most common reaction: (talk to my hand) / "I have been approached already." /"Not interested, I don't believe in this."

Most displeased reaction: (with the I-know-it expression and purposely let you finish your lines and den say) " I have took the portfolio....they are trash photos..." (and walked away angrily)

Most shocked reaction: (with mouth open, wide eyes) "What? me? hahaaaa...your company will go bankrupt if you hire me. hahahz"

Most unexpected reaction: " Why don't you talent scout yourself? You look quite sweet what. Are you under them alreadi? Why not? ohh...you prefer scouting for models instead huh...where you schooling now? " (smart siaz....throw back qns at me....divert attention...waste my time...in the end decline to give me number..kaoz )

Most surprising encounter: My colleague holding on to Olinda (from Sg idol) and shouted to me to come look at her!! She is ssssoooooo slim now manz. I was so excited to see her. My colleague then demanded extra bonus for getting her number, her agency's number that is...haz.

Most polite reaction: "ohh..i am reali sorry....I have no interest to becum a model at all. I feel bad rejecting you...but thanks for your effort anyway...." (v decent proper lking chap)

Most straightfwd reaction: " How much are you paid for getting a number on your list?"/ "You have a quota to reach issit? I give you mine to help you larh."

Most fearful reaction: (Looking at BF for approval, looking at me timidly) I have to explain to her that I will not force her to come down for interview if she really not free...(BF still shaking his head) It was only after some persuasion/reassurance from me, she den obligingly give me her number. Poor girl....evil me...

Most very good looking ones are already models. What's left over is mostly average looking ppl whom I feel bad abt wasting their time to go down for interviews to be talked into taking portfolios which most certainly will not give them any assignments, given the fact that the agency wld rather choose their models at hand for casting. But there are still some undiscovered ones whom I think have at least the minimum potential but arent yet a model! Well...The next new top model may just be the one scouted by me!

So far, there are only a few very good looking guys whom I have come across that can make me literally run and tap their shoulders to ask them for phone numbers. So tempted to store them in my own phone book as well...haha...kidding larh. But too often, they are alreadi models or have been approached before. Sianz....

Yeah I am quitting this job soon. Enough exposure gained from such a job. I don't look fwd to begging for numbers everyday manz. This has to stop.

"The Lumbong trekking trip"

Some sentiments to share on this challenging and enjoyable experience and for others to have an idea what this trekking trip is abt.

My impression of trekking is totally transformed after this trip. Now then I realized that trekking consists of some mountain climbing and not plainly just walking through the forest! The first vertical rocks that we came across totally freak me out. To be honest, I can feel warm waters starting to circle in my eyes when I first witness the daunting task before me. It was like one of my fear factors staring right at me! My first thought is that I really cannot do it but I know that there is no turning back and you just got to climb up to continue the trek no matter what! No one can help you climb one! With significantly faster heartbeat and feeble legs, my every step taken is with full alertness and consciouness cos I really scared of falling off the cliff! Luckily with some guidance from the leaders and observation of others before me, I managed through safely. It was then I realized that fears can actually be overcome if you put your mind and soul into overcoming it. This is one great lesson that I've learnt, personally.

Fear is then gradually mixed with feelings of excitement and challenge after we go through some more other tedious obstacles along the way. I became seeing the obstacles as more of a challenge than something fearful. Some parts are danergous but yet it is what make it the more thrilling. I myself was surprised by my mixed feelings. I was supposed to be scared but yet feeling excited at the same time!

The waterfalls are spectacular and cooling. Camp on summit. Refill water from streams. Self-designated toilet cubicles in the wiild. Raining on 2nd day.

Not going to write more as it will just get too descriptive and perhaps boring to read... So anything curious to know more abt such a trekking trip, jus ask me lar.

Having frens around helps. The thought that they are going through the same thing together with me is comforting to know. And if not for the guidance and helping hands of the leaders and frens around me, some obstacles would reali be extra hard for me to overcome. Thanks!

My poor techniques of climbing over the rocks have led me to having patches of blue-blacks on my legs! So no wearing of skirt for a few weeks (as if I often wear skirt). My super muscle aches are really terrible too. So don't jio me for any exercise for the time being, plssss. ;p

"Platonic frenship"

This term usually applies to friends of the oppt sex. It means a relationship that involves no sexual love. We always hear ppl 'debating' abt whether platonic frenship is really possible between a guy and a girl. There are even surveys that go around asking guys whether they have ever fantasize abt making intimate contact with their gal frens or not. You will be surprised by the high percentage of guys who confessed that they did!

A pretty fren of mine told me that it was difficult for her to make male frens after she is attached. Her previous male frens also drifted away from her. She felt lonelier than when she was unattached. Why should this happen? She really just want to establish a casual frenship with guys but guys want to know her for some other reasons.

Another fren claimed that she and a guy are just 'frens' when they actually do certain things that they shouldn't. Is such a frenship as pure/platonic as what it is supposed to be?

In many cases (of cos not all), it is often some initial attraction between a girl and a guy that pull them together as more than just normal frens. Subsequently when they bcum even closer frens, they will be subjected to teasing or questioning by the people around them. Such reactions from others seem to imply that ppl don't normally believe in platonic frenship between a guy and a girl. What do you think?

It's amazing that the mere biological differences between a guy and a girl can influence the nature of a frenship. I ever asked b4 a few of my frens whether they are conscious and aware of the gender of their frens when interacting with them or they treat frens in the same way, regardless of their gender. They told me that they are aware of the gender, which implies that the nature of the interaction will therefore in a way be influenced by this form of awareness. In simpler terms, they treat guy and girl frens differently. They have reservations when interacting with frens of the oppt sex maybe fear of misleading or wateva other reasons.

By right if people really do believe in platonic frenship, they should be less conscious of the gender of their frens. The fact that they are conscious of how they should interact with a particular gendered fren imply to me that a oppt-sex frenship just couldnt hold as much of the same level as a same-sex frenship.

My take is that platonic frenship between a guy and a girl is possible but it will inevitably takes on a different mode from a same-sex frenship simply due to the inherent gender differences in a guy and a girl.

So 3 cheers to platonic frenship!

"Labelling theory"

It is perhaps a natural tendency to label friends. But dun you find that when you start to label a fren, you will tend to have certain expectations out of him? If he fails to do so, you get upset/over-reacted.

Subconsciously I do label frens but consciously I refrain myself from doing so. By not labelling, I give frens the privilege to ignore me when they shldnt, do things that they are not supposed to, or not do certain things when they shld. [like not reading my blog when you shld! haha ] So if anything unpleasant were to happen, I suppose I can take it better. That's why I don't like to explicitly classify friends in my mind or to spell them out too clearly in words.

Well but come to speak of it, I seldom have any expectations of frens maybe cos I am not a very emotionally demanding person and also I don't like to give frens the pressure or obligations to do things for/with me. So, no strings attached. No pressure at all.

When I say I do label frens subconsciously, I know it by my level of willingness to help or to want to connect with them emotionally. A person's resources is limited. He can only partition them selectively to certain people. The selected people I believe wld be those he labelled differently from the rest, whether consciously or subconsciously.

The rules of reciprocity applies too. We often are only very willing to give when we know that the other party feels the same way. We also want others to acknowledge our committment in the frenship by having them reciprocate. This is perhaps why frens like to give/receive some form of 'reassurance' thru words/actions.

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Blogging is like writing mass email to your frens! Only frens who are interested in reading your stuff, that is!

"Getting out of my comfort zone"

[note: pls read the previous post b4 this cos I wrote that first but post it tog with this post. go scroll down, dun be lazy lar]

I got a good news to share. I got selected in the interview for an overseas community project to thailand!! I was kinda happy to receive the confirmation on the phone. It's like a dream come true for me, one of my new year resolutions. Kinda but not extremely happy bcos Clara wun be embarking on the journey with me cos she cannot even attend the interview at all. She serves many functions to me so I def will feel less secure without her companion. But I hope she dun feel bad abt this whole thing as I def will share every bit of the trip with her when I come back. I promise.

In the interview, when they ask me whether I have any previous overseas community experience, I told them that I need to be given the chance to have the first experience so that I can have a "previous experience" to say of in any of my future endeavours. I also lament abt every job interviews always looking for previous experience and that is just so unfair. They acknowledge that by nodding their heads.

They also ask me whether I am an introvert or an extrovert and whether I have taken any leadership roles. I hate such stereotype qns as I know what answers they are looking for. I din't want to tell any lies so I just said that I should be considered an introvert but when circumstances needed me to be an entrovert, I will change accordingly. For leadership roles, I said that I am not a leader in CCAs as I am mostly a passive follower but when task is assigned to me, I will do it. One thing I should have added in my answer is that a team needs both leaders and followers. My role as a follower will complement the leaders' role. That would be a satisfactory statement isnt it...

AAll my enthusiasm was spoilt when I told my parents abt this good news. They commented that I go do community work still need to pay such an amt of money for it. I give them a shockingly exasperated look and rebuked that it's a standard price for such projects. My mum then said she was merely joking and asked why my temper always so bad. When I left the scene with no further desire to talk more abt it, I continue hearing my dad linking to my sis working at an arts sch yet earning no money from it. Then he even mentioned abt scams going around to cheat ppl's money. I din't feel like talking to them after that....

Their tone is actualli harmless I know that. They reali may just be joking. But I choose to take it v personally. I think they can sense that I am upset by their comments as they come up to me to ask me when I was going for the trip and say that they will be writing the cheque for me. I never bear grudges against my parents. Just allow me to be pissed for this moment. The next morning I will be fine. Whats more, it will be mother's day when I wake up later in the morn.

The issue here is money. I always feel that one needs to be financially independent to gain autonomy. As long as I am not working, I feel powerless in the family. I need to get money from them for anything. That explains why I am rather practical with the use of money cos the money used are not mine.

I have bought 4 new clothes recently. Alot of frens' bdaes are coming in this hols. I want to learn wakeboarding. I still hope to go travelling. I haven found a job.

I reali need to find one orelse I think I will get depression soon.

Holidays mean: You want to play but no money. You then work but ended up no time to play!

Still, I always feel that money can be earned back. I would still choose to spend money first then go earn it later. Earn money like a cow and you will end up no energy to play. (ok just say that I am lazy)

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think gotta train up myself for the trekking trip and the said-to-be physically demanding community project cos need to build water dams! oh dear.... i normally not an extremely sporty/active person...die....
but I am quite healthy one, seldom get sick leh....ok..choy....

"Friendboat issues"

I shall be writing on a few issues revolving friendship for the next few posts.

a) The functionalist perspective (so sociological rite...ha)
b) Labelling theory (another sociological concept)
c) Platonic friendship
d) Old vs new friends

[Note: the use of 'he' wld be adopted instead of 'he/she' in my posts for convenience and simplicity.]

a) I would like to start of with the functions of friends. Different friends serve different functions. U gain different level of satisfaction from the interaction with different friend. This is what bring two strangers together in the first place and having them to continue to keep in touch year after year. On top of that, friends bring out the different personalities in you. One may find himself behaving differently with different friends. Notice that with some friends, you have to be extra sensitive b4 saying anything, while with some others, you can more of speak out ur mind in the same way as he does ( reciprocity). With certain friends, you are more of a listener while with some others, you will talk more.

One thing that ultimately separate a good friend from a normal friend is probably that the former serve more functions than the latter. It is due to certain functions in that friend which cannot be replaced by any other friends that make him a good friend to you. Ultimately it's the satisfaction that u get from the friendship that defines its functional importance. Make sense?

(I think my soci tutor wld be so proud of me for making use of the functionalist perspective that I've learnt in sch.)


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Today Stella and bf Ben ended up givin me some personal training on tennis after witnessing my atrocious play. haahaaz...... feel rather funny/paiseh when stella initiated ben to give me some personal training before we continue the game any further. wah so stressed...hahzz....imagine 2 of them on the other side of the court, me on my side with a "nice" pose getting ready for their throws. Not to forget a row of standing passengers on the mrt platform just opposite my view. so stressed. Aahhhaa...But I must say I realli did learnt something from them cos I never know my mistake until they pointed it out. All thanks to the lovely couple. (dun puke, stella)

A skill is so hard to learn than stuff in the books I have realized!! haaazz

Miscellaneous

Hellow everyone I am back in action after a long rest! ( maybe not if you hadnt been visiting my blog...bleah!)
Finally, all mental straining has come to an end and at last, my brain can now stop working for awhile. (yarh i only activate them during exam periods, that is. ) I have so many things and topics to blog but just couldnt find time to!

what a fast semester! My fav module of the sem is Making Sense of Society. (yeah yokie u predicted right, ultimately i reali do quite enjoy this module!) I like the lecturer Dr Tan! He is so funny, so natural, so likeable! My first time looking fwd to attending a lecture just to relax myself. One thing I like abt him is that he seeks to talk to student whenever he has the chance. I have been observing him from afar. He is a people person. All lecturers should be like him! It's a pity that I never get to talk to him b4 cos he is not my tutor.

I want to cut my hair short in this sem! My ponytail is looking more like a squirrel's tail. My hairline is receding. My fringe is gettin lesser. I am sick of the daily act of tying it up. And I have the habit of pulling my long hair to see how many strands I can pull out each time. Everything has a limit. Just one fine day, I am gonna kiss my oldest end of hair goodbye! Most likely, I will not look any better with short hair (if U had remembered how dreadfully I used to look like back in uniform days). But as long as I don't look monstrously ugly, I think am rather fine with it...(or so I hope) Hairs do grow back anyway, don't they?

Oh yar, I was too busy to have the chance to share a piece of good news with your! Look at this!



Read that! First runner up in a model contest! mai siao siao ! And yar, that's me winning the honour, don't doubt further lar, it's me !! Being short and not very slim still do get me somewhere ok!


Alright, it wasn't long b4 someone steal the honour away from me and added herself an additional award. That's her, grinning away with two awards. Greedy girl! humph! ;p






Ok cut off the crap..... this is then the real glmour queen among all the other contestants! (okok i know we dun look any alike in height, size or face! pls note genetic variations. )





Lastly quite looking fwd to feeding mosquitoes on the coming lumbong trip on the 20 and 21 may. So funny, the very first initial plan of only Clara and me going ended up got 8 ppl going in the end! If only everyone has known that its open to outside nus students much earlier, I think this group can end up even bigger. It's an unexpected twist but a pleasant one. The more, the merrier!

Why I hate exams? (like many of you...)

Boring topic...but pls let me have a chance to lament over here. (since this is my blog! )

I hate...

the feeling of guilt whenever I try to procrastinate from the pile of books and readings. (recall that procrastination is my forte.)

the paranoia that those parts that I have skipped studying are what that will come out in exams.

the feeling of waking up every morning to be bombarded by the list of things needed to be studied by the end of the day. (if not, will be terribly behind schedule!!)

the butterflies in the stomach before exams.

the feeling of injustice done to myself after leaving the examination hall (the thot of: I could have done much better than that!)


(the hate list goes on....)

The source of my stress seriously stems from the hope to get a good honours but the possibility of it has made me to reconsider my plans, even more so after talking to some ppl around me facing the same predicament. So far yet so near to getting it.....should I give up the thought or continue to try pursue it? Or maybe I should just be contented with a normal Bachelor degree...then I will be less stressful since my aim isn't to be a psychologist anyway. But a good Honours always secure you more wherever you go, or so I thought.

I don't want to find excuses for myself to slack more in view of an alternative plan in mind. I hope to still hold the motivation to try as long as I am still in the process of it. If not, it will be like stopping halfway even before I reach the finishing line. That will be total injustice done to myself!

This sem results is a crucial one to let me gauge whether I should ultimately give up the hope or to try to enter the Honours year. A part of me wish that I can totally discard the hope of getting a good honours so that I won't be so stressful in my third yr. Another part of me feel that I should really push myself to strive for it since I am already in here. Conflicting thoughts! aahh... actuali I alreadi sort of made up my mind but I want to hang on for the moment first!!


lastly, tips for all having exams :

Do simple stretches of exercise, yoga or pilates in between study intervals. (even simple exercise can release endorphines which relax your mind! )
Switch on radio to lighten the studying mood. (let the music heal your soul..)
Don't binge(or eat too much) as it will only make u more sleepy after that. Eat simple.
Study more during your "peak" periods.
Don't have to study everything, actuali.

Exam is nothing but a four-letter word ! (ops..isnt that bad enuff?)
Good luck ppl, do lk fwd to the long summer hols !

[don't think will have the mood to blog for the next couple of weeks. so dun miss me. ]

"I am more sensitive than you think I am." (yes reali, believe me)

I ever have friends who kindly told me that I can be quite a tactless person who say things which I am NOT AWARE of how others would feel.
Then one of them would defend for me by saying to the other, " She is like that one larh. Don't have to take it too hard. She meant no hard feelings for saying that one."

When I know abt this, guess how I feel??

I was actually quite happy to know that...

(of cos I din't show it to my fren when I heard that. I pretend to be awkwardly embarrassed and ashamed la. )

Why?

Cos infact all along in the past I think I have been a victim of oversensitivity that has made me easily upset and unhappy over minor issues. I don't want to be like that. It's hurting me and I don't like the feeling at all. I don't like the feeling of having to consciously think about how others will feel abt what I say, get overly anxious on what I've said or to get emotionally disturbed by what others have said and done twds me. It is suffocating and tiring, and infact, very emotionally straining. This perhaps explain why I am rather happy to know that I can actually be insensitive which means to me that I am no longer plagued by oversensitivity. (chim..but do read it again..it makes sense.)

I don't ever want to be a cancerian who is characterized by being sensitive and emotional. Luckily I am a Capricorn.(though I also dun like)
Well but yoke, I think you have done well being a cancerian, holding a rational mind while being emotional and sensitive, most of the time. Kudos!

Pls do not think that I am in any way building my happiness at the expense of others' sorrow by choosing to be less sensitive. I don't purposely say things to hurt others. There are for sure some remnants of oversensitivity left in me for which I will continue to inhibit at appropriate times to make myself more carefree and happy, esp twds wat ppl say and do to me. It is a way for me to cope with any negative feelings I should feel twds others.

In short, I am more sensitive that you think I am, really. Most of the time, I am aware of how you might feel but I really don't wish to think too much orelse I will allow myself to lead a very difficult life. Pardon me pls if ever. (oh no..pls dun think i am finding excuses for being insensitive...i am not in the first place!!! )

Mind over matters- I WANT to believe in that, a notion inspired by the late Ms Hamimah who is the most amazing lady I've come across in my course of study.

You can control how you want to feel. How true is that? Is it achievable??



[a min ago, a fren (u noe who) just sms me to make known to me something that I've done recently. sorrie lor...this one i realli not aware that u dun like. Good that u have made ur stand across to me...will not do it again. ]

"Come what may......"

Everything that happens in this world, there is no absolute good or bad. Sometimes good things turned out to be bad things eventually, while bad things become a gain. Whatever good things that happen to you, enjoy it, but don't have to hold too tight to it, treat it as a surprise in your life. Whatever bad things that happen to you, don't have to feel too sad or despair, in the end, it might not be a total bad thing after all. If one can understand this, he or she will find life much easier.

(copied from a net fren's profile details)

"My Fear Factors"

Things that I am pretty afraid to try but actually feel that one should try for the sake of experience as we only live once !

It's an ongoing conflict btw what I dun dare to do and what I think I should do.

-Scuba-diving and Mountain-climbing

(these two extreme vertical limits are definitely my extreme fears. I fear the possibility of never able to get to the water surface and falling off the cliff, really!)

-Bungy jump

( I def love thrill rides but to let loose on the rope that oscillate me up and down above the sea is what I doubt my heart can withstand ! have only tried the G-max in clarke quay. )

-Singing on stage

(I really wish I have a diva's voice as I would so love to perform on stage if I am good enough. I have promised myself to fulfill this wish on my wedding day, that is, to sing love duets with my future husband on stage!)


-Trying out any BG relationship

(fear of commitments and expectations that I (or the other party) cannot fulfil & the potential realization that the person is not the one [or that I am not the one] )


-Taking drugs eg Ecstacy.

(have always wondered what it's like to feel high on drugs, the possible hallucinations one can see and the behaviours one can produce thereafter. Cos I wan to see whether I can control how I want to feel and behave. If I ever take, I will try it only at home. Ok...I know curiosity kills the cat! )

-Shoplifting, smoking.....one night-stand??!!

(smoking, I will def try one day which my mum has suggested that I try when we go msia. shoplifting, just curious to see how easy it is. 1-nite-stand, unlikely larh!!)

Other than the above, I think I am a fearless person! yeah ritez....let's just say this space is not enough for me to write all of them if I were to.

"I have binge-eating disorder. "

That was just a scare statement. (okie...as if it has scared u...)

Basically, what I want to confess here is that I really do have the urge, tendency and impulse to binge-eat whenever I am feeling stressed AND when I am alone with no one else around to distract me. Yes, only when I am alone. Orelse why do you ever not know this about me? Cos I won't do that infront of you.

There are mainly 2 kinds of eating disorder: anorexic nervosa and bulimia. (actually binge-eating is a 3rd kind but I shall exclude here) For one thing, you won't have to worry that I will ever get anorexic cos looking fwd to my next meal is always my pleasure and I really see the importance of food in giving energy to life. Looking back my past actions make me recall that I really have the potential to having bulimia if I have let loose of myself.

In my case, I don't vomit out the food that I have eaten. I use the other compensatory action which is exercise. The characteristic of bulimic ppl is that they binge AND subsequently use either vomitting, laxative or excessive exercise to compensate their binge. For me, i get v guilty over my binge and next moment you will see me getting in my running shoes and off I jog in the park. (not excessively though cos my stamina isnt good.)

Well that was only an occassional activity of mine more frequently so in the past. (and also to some ppl out there I believe) Ha...I bet you never know that about me. Of cos mine is a less serious case as I don't binge ALOT and don't exercise ALOT. That's y I can only claim to have the near tendency to having it.

Of cos given the fact that I am a TOTALLY rational person, I have found the means to CONTROL now. I realised that my binge-eating habit during my stressful periods is merely to seek for temporary comfort and immediate gratification. I especially like to binge on sweet stuff like chocolates, biscuits and ice-cream. (just ssoo love them! ) Eating them in the process give me the satisfaction that I want which help me to escape from my stress. To reinforce that kind of feeling is to keep on eating which result in binge eating. Then guilt comes in which makes me feel sad and even more stressed. It's a vicious cycle. Scary.

Now I no longer indulge in binge-eating (as far as I would want to believe) cos I can anticipate the negative feelings I will have thereafter which is not what I want. I am eating moderately now, eating out of hunger rather than greed. The urge is still there whenever I am feeling down but I now know how to control myself.
7-mark full on the scale rating is my healthy aim.

I don't understand...

....why some ppl are more friendly and expressive in msn/sms than in real while some others are the exact opposite-friendly and humorous in real but rather quiet and solemn in msn/sms.

....why some people can be so comfortable with eating alone in a public canteen while some others can feel so awkward with just the thought of it. [ Is personality trait a predictive factor?]

...why some ppl ALWAYS need others to accompany while some others can just do things alone.

...why some ppl will pretend smsing just to act as though they dint see someone they know. [MANY have infact admitted to having done so before from what I have gathered, but mainly are for some "valid" reasons ]

...why some ppl are so AFRAID of being alone in fear of loneliness while some others can just ENJOY being alone.

...why some ppl behave very differently in frienship and in a relationship.

...why many ppl like to lament that everyone else is attached except themselves when infact more ppl are actually unattached if you care to count.

...why many ppl can donate lotsa money to the tsunami victims without ever sparing a single thought to the equally needy ones around them. [ thanks to the media.]

...why ppl from other horoscopes like to characterize Geminis as having two sides of personality when most of them admit to having this trait as well. [seldom will ppl claim to have only one side of personality]



I don't understand...

...why I am who I am which is not what I want myself to be...

"Encode them in your long term memory."

Below are just some of the quotes that I have selected from the 55 quotes that Clara has given me. (thanks!) Wanna put them into good use by sharing with you guys over here instead of keeping them. Hopefully, they can serve as reminders to what we are actually capable of applying to our life but often overlook or forget. Digest every quote thoroughly and may they ring a bell to you whenever needed.

.........................
(ok..not to forget to give credit to Mr Phil's guidance, for if not, this picture wouldnt have the chance to have its beauty illustrated over here. thank you lor. heh.]


"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." -Albert Einstein"

"Courage is not the absence of fear. It is being afraid yet being able to control that fear so you are able to perform at your highest ability. That's what makes a champion. " -Cory Lester

"Without a dream there is no reason to work...without work there is no reason to dream."

"I've never known anybody who achieves anything without overcoming adversity." -Lou Holtz

"Even what seems impossible, should be tried in order to see what might be. "

"Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration and inspiration. "

"The Facets of Life"

Life is just a theatrical play on stage, so full of drama and emotions. We portray different roles depending on the situation we are in, act and fulfill the roles of our gender, occupation, student etc in varied settings. We put on appropriate masks and behave accordingly to what is expected of us in different social situations. In fact, every one of us is a natural actor!

Festivals and occassions are innovative and meaningful cultural creations marked by people in the historical past that have us now the reason to rejoice, celebrate and having something to look forward to in every few months' or so. They break the mundane routine of daily life and simply keep the flow of ppl moving around, spreading their joyous spirit and strengthening contact with their loved ones. What great idea!

Love, lust and sex- is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve a continuation of the species. (quoted from a novelist) If there is no love, there is no lust, there is then no sex, no offspring. Population of mankind comes to an end. Coupled with the wonder works of biology and evolution that have remarkably created human beings to be such biologically reproductive mechanisms, it has allowed opposite genders to be so sexually compatible. Make love to keep the world going!

Accidents, poverty, sickness and deaths are only essential to keep the world population in proportion as babies are being produced every msec of a sec. One comes in, another must go. The fittest survive. As simple as that. So pls stay fit!

Money is essentially just being passed around the world in an endless chain. You earn, you spend, you get it back again someday. I marvel the way how money is being passed around in the simple transactions that we engage in our daily lives. Don't see the use of money as spending, it is merely an act of passing to someone else!

Life is really a game, invented by some supernatural being. Different stages and powers, many players and goals. We should infact be more playful in it to tap it to the fullest. But what is holding us back?

The mere fact that there is no replay, pause or restart button. One single chance to either play it well or ruin it bad, that's it!