The physical age of 21 doesnt make me feel like a grown-up at all. I am still bearing the mental age of say, 18 yrs old? Especially so in the case of social and emotional intelligence, and probably also in my general knowledge (feel even more so after watching Sg's Brainiest Kid).
Pathetically, the only moment when I do feel like one is when I am driving alone. The feeling of freedom on the road, in control of an adult toy, is a sensation that I never get to experience when I was younger. So the ability to drive now is by far the only way to make me feel like an adult.
If not,
I am still being seen and treated like a girl at work, among family members, relatives, neighbours and even hawker auntie and taxi driver.
I am still dressing up like a teenage girl, instead of looking like a young mature lady.
I am still talking like an ignorant girl who appear to know very little of the outside complex world.
I still like to sulk and grumble abt going to school, doing test and exam.
I still have problems coping with my negative emotions that shldnt arise in the first place. (one of the aspects of emotional intelligence)
I still dun feel competent enuff to face future challenges ahead of me.
I still yearn for immediate gratification like a kid for most things like the consumption of food to the witnessing of fast results.
Sometimes, I even feel ashamed to reveal my age when asked, cos I have a feeling that the person must have presumably guess a much tender age of me, after basing on my behavior and speech pattern.
It isnt especially a compliment for me to hear ppl say, "Ehh you dun look like Yr 3 " or "You dun like your age at all leh". Ok.. Dun get me wrong, I don't hate ppl saying that. I just feel neutral larh. Some ppl get high hearing such comments. I don't. Just neutral lar. Probably they are referring to my looks but I usually take it that they are using my overall social behavior or other indicatiors as the reference points for judgement. If so, that is pretty sad to know that I am not behaving like what a 21 yr old shld...
[Last but not least, the realization of what it takes and feels to be truly in love has taught me some lessons to being an adult, which I am still learning. Being able to feel like a woman yet treated like a girl is certainly more than what I can ask for. Thanks dearie for givin me this extraordinary feeling... ]
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6 comments:
I know how you feel about being in between...or at least, being treated that way. I started substitute teaching when I was 19 and a few times I got asked for my hall pass or why I wasn't in class. Even at 25 it still seems like elders look at you like you're too young to know anything!
Very emotional blog. I enjoyed reading through your posts!
BaoBei Baobei HuiZi, u thanking me?
I'm not really sure how i made you feel like a woman as i always treat you like a baobei, my baby girl... You mean everything to me and i never regret all the effort i put in chasing you and pleasing you for the past few years or maybe more than just few... especially now that i know you do appreciate me...
eeekk, that was abit marshy mushy, Gomenasai. Back to track, i just wanted say that i have always been fond of girl's reeking an aura of maturity, much more than those cutie pie that most guys would die for, probably because they wanna feel manly to be able to protect their cutie pies. That doesnt work for me, i don't need a girl to bring out my manhood (maybe cos i dont have any), my point is that i like mature gals, and you happen to be one. I certainly know you have the skills to survive on your own, trained to be independent, just like me. But i have learned that there will be times when i would need to break this barrier of being independent and open up to your kindness and offers. With you around, i know that i don't have to suffer alone and silently as thats what a pair should be. Open up to each other...
I know that sometimes, you have things on your mind, but you just don't wish to voice them out to me. That always brings me an uneasy feeling, but yet i don't wish to force you, just look forward to the day when you can just be striaghtforward and honest with me, be it good times or bad... I often would try to persuade mildly for you to talk, but often to no avail, which leaves my mind hanging there, feeling helpless. For now, i really really do care about how you feel and would like you to share it, that's why i insist that you share it with me all the time. Imagine one day when i stop being firm on asking you abt how you feel, probably because i am too tired of asking you all the time but getting no answers in return, that will be the day you know something is really wrong...I won't wish for that day to come of course...
You may act like a kid sometimes, but your mind certainly aint one. Your practicality and rationale thinking never fails to impress me, often leave me with admiration. Plus your decisive mind is something i need to acquire. I dont like myself being too sui bian, neither do i favour friends who are always anything anything anything, kinda of annoying at times, can't they just have a mind of their own, only babies with diapers need to be spoonfed all the time...
But rather being rational and rigid all the time, there should be moments when you can let loose abit more, be playful and mischievious. Be boldly silly for no reason. Just go ahead and have some fun when fun comes knocking at your door...
If you ask me, other than they way you dress in school, you look perfectly like a working adult. Probably because of your innate stone cold look, not very smiley when walking alone...So don't always feel as though you are just a little girl, but feel free to behave like one when you're with me, it's ok to cuddle up to me like a little girl longing for some attention from her daddy, i'll definitely hold you tightly and warmly...
So unlike me to express my personal feelings in the presence of the public, better end here, will enunciate more to you privately when chances arise...Not just you, but me myself have learnt issues about the build-up of yj, my flaws and my childish behaviour, so......
I've always being accused of not behaving like a 26. Perhaps I'm still in school n yes it still gives me the kind of privilege to behave like a small kid becos I've yet to step into the working world.
As I passed the quarter century mark, it does strike certain fear in me such as getting the right job and finding the right the person to spend the rest of my life with.
Being able to pass off as 23 or 24 sometimes makes me feel good. Not that I'm acting cute - just that it's just me.
roy @ 26 n 2 mths
Hey ger been a while since i posted anything on your blog so here goes my token of participation. Just dress sensibly, discard all sports apparel(if you know what i mean) and then you will be treated like a woman.
Looking fwd to meeting up with you again. Loads of catching up to do.
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