I am afraid of memories.
[ don't have to take it too literally yar...in case u try to imagine me as some phobic person who cringe myself in the corner of a room, trying to shut myself from memories]
Sometimes, paranoia will get into me and put me into a ridiculous state of mind. I have the ability to stop it, of course, but if there's no other distraction to help me in doing so, I will just let myself go through those absurd thoughts. (Advice: It's important to keep urself physically/mentally busy to stop unwanted thoughts and illusions.)
To be more specific, I am afraid of what lies ahead of good memories. Will they continue to stay or will they just be memories left behind for me to pick up?
When I went to HK with my mother in the Dec hols, I enjoyed the good first time trip spent alone with her and wondered will there be a next time. When I went out with both my parents a few days ago, I feel it was good quality time that I would love spending if there were more such chances....
When I thought of the possibility of friendships drifting away due to individual personal lives upon reaching adulthood, (eg new commitments, new social circles, long term overseas work, attached to new found gf/bf, marriage, unforseen circumstances) , I feel a sense of uncertainty and loss when I imagine things at present will not stay the same in the future.
Such a paranoid trance sets me into thinking that when one day some things cannot be done again due to one reason or another, all the past memories will haunt me. In another words, instead of taking comfort from memories left behind, I fear that they will only serve as emotional burden to me in the future.
This can be related to my past post "I don't like to reminsce the past" where I remarked that I don't like to browse through old photos as they remind me of happenings back then, even if they may be sweet.
I guess I am just being realistic. Since there is no everlasting thing on Earth, why in the first place should one yearn for something impossibly lasting?
As the chinese saying conveys, parting is part and parcel of life. (tian xia mei you bu san de yan xi)
Treasure the here and now.
Having memories is better than no memories at all, isn't it?
No matter what happen in the future, I wld like to say this to my frens first:
Thanks for leaving steps on my memory lane once in your life.
Monday, January 24, 2005
Saturday, January 15, 2005
"Somewhere over the rainbow...."
Dreams to me are just dreams. Full stop. I am probably the type of person who will die with regrets at the end of time. (nah, this statement is not meant to be as gloomy as it sounds)
I never like to talk abt my dreams. For what....when I don't have the intention and am not pursuing them actively. It is unless I am working twds it, then I would love talking and sharing abt them. Dreams to me are just fantacies, impractical stuff. In another words, u can say its just ba ri meng. Less crudely, dreams to me are just what one hopes to achieve IDEALLY.
Are dreams beautiful just so bcos they have not ungergone the test of reality? I suspect it's true.
One of my dreams:
My dream job is the work of a photojournalist. That is to say, if I am given a choice to be CAPABLE of what I want to be, I would opt for photojournalism especially related fields in nature documentaries, travel and environmental features, and culture phenomenons. From secondary school, I was brainwashed by my parents that photographers are the professions of the males' species who are only capable of carrying heavy equipments and running about. Plus the fact that photography is quite an expensive hobby, my once-thought-to-be ambition for life written in my autograph book back then was found to be slowly detached from my soul until now when it has becum a totally unreachable dream. I blame no one except the lack of enough courage, interest, passion and enthusiasm in me back then. Such were so crucial elements that are so needed to turn dreams into reality.
The reason why I took an intial interest in photojournalism when I was younger is perhaps that it matches my personality. I prefer expressing thru non-verbal means more than verbal speech, facial expressions more than spoken intents. And plus perhaps the additional dose of liking for nature itself. In addition, I am also someone who is able to work alone and know how to enjoy the serenity of my own personal realm.
Magazines such as National and Asian Geographic often features stories, articles and journals with captivated photographs that touch my heart in one way or another. With the usual sense of envy, I always feel that those photojournalists in their process of work must have enriched their visual senses much more than any normal person. It must be such a fulfilling and breath-taking experience to to capture what u deemed as spectacular and subsequently having the chance to share with viewers/readers the pictures U have taken through your writings. Photojournalism is certainly a profession which allows one to see the different facets of life from various fascinating angles.
At the same time, it also forces U to see the dark and harsh reality of the world.
Some of you might have seen this before..This is the link for ur ref anyway: http://www.huaren.com/UnitedNations/photo-1.htm
Just a warning, it is rather disturbing.
If U were to be in his shoes, what would you do? You would probably feel as helpless as him and die of guilt and remorse thereafter...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A picture speaks a thousand words, which holds no candle to a speech of elaborated and descriptive words. Capturing shots of what succumb to your visual sense is a very personal affair of your own. You don't need recognition of others to comment on how remarkable the photograph is. All it matters is what you think and what u feel at the instance of capturing 'The Moment'.
I never like to talk abt my dreams. For what....when I don't have the intention and am not pursuing them actively. It is unless I am working twds it, then I would love talking and sharing abt them. Dreams to me are just fantacies, impractical stuff. In another words, u can say its just ba ri meng. Less crudely, dreams to me are just what one hopes to achieve IDEALLY.
Are dreams beautiful just so bcos they have not ungergone the test of reality? I suspect it's true.
One of my dreams:
My dream job is the work of a photojournalist. That is to say, if I am given a choice to be CAPABLE of what I want to be, I would opt for photojournalism especially related fields in nature documentaries, travel and environmental features, and culture phenomenons. From secondary school, I was brainwashed by my parents that photographers are the professions of the males' species who are only capable of carrying heavy equipments and running about. Plus the fact that photography is quite an expensive hobby, my once-thought-to-be ambition for life written in my autograph book back then was found to be slowly detached from my soul until now when it has becum a totally unreachable dream. I blame no one except the lack of enough courage, interest, passion and enthusiasm in me back then. Such were so crucial elements that are so needed to turn dreams into reality.
The reason why I took an intial interest in photojournalism when I was younger is perhaps that it matches my personality. I prefer expressing thru non-verbal means more than verbal speech, facial expressions more than spoken intents. And plus perhaps the additional dose of liking for nature itself. In addition, I am also someone who is able to work alone and know how to enjoy the serenity of my own personal realm.
Magazines such as National and Asian Geographic often features stories, articles and journals with captivated photographs that touch my heart in one way or another. With the usual sense of envy, I always feel that those photojournalists in their process of work must have enriched their visual senses much more than any normal person. It must be such a fulfilling and breath-taking experience to to capture what u deemed as spectacular and subsequently having the chance to share with viewers/readers the pictures U have taken through your writings. Photojournalism is certainly a profession which allows one to see the different facets of life from various fascinating angles.
At the same time, it also forces U to see the dark and harsh reality of the world.
Some of you might have seen this before..This is the link for ur ref anyway: http://www.huaren.com/UnitedNations/photo-1.htm
Just a warning, it is rather disturbing.
If U were to be in his shoes, what would you do? You would probably feel as helpless as him and die of guilt and remorse thereafter...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A picture speaks a thousand words, which holds no candle to a speech of elaborated and descriptive words. Capturing shots of what succumb to your visual sense is a very personal affair of your own. You don't need recognition of others to comment on how remarkable the photograph is. All it matters is what you think and what u feel at the instance of capturing 'The Moment'.
Sunday, January 09, 2005
"The age that opens up greater challenges/demands in life "
How does it feel to reach the official age of adulthood?
-Mixed feelings-excited, fuzzy, dread, anticipate.
-Greater responsibility shall befall.
-Have to be more prudent before signing papers
-Expected to be street-wise.
-More accessible to previously banned resources and places.
Honestly, I don't feel like an adult. I don't know how to behave like one too. Even if I do, I am obliged to just so behave under certain desired circumstances. My inner soul still feel so vulnerable and lost in this big big world.
I will miss the privilege of being a youngster and the excuse of saying "I don't know what!" whenever adults scold me for the wrongful acts that I commit. Now that I am supposed to be more mature and wise, I shall be prepared to face reprimands for things that I don't know but am supposed to know.
There is always a price to pay for things that you have enjoyed.
When I was much younger, eating ice-creams is not allowed without my mother's permission. My sis and I have to secretly go buy and eat them literally behind my mother's back(behind my mother's shop that is). That was when the young heart of mine was so determined to grow up faster to buy ice-cream whenever I want.
Yet on the other hand, I enjoyed the pampering from adults and the ignorance I am allowed to portray. I don't know what is the definition of "problems" and "troubles". All I know is that they don't really exist in my dictionary.
Now that I have aged. I can finally buy ice-creams whenever I want. I can even buy one big tub or a box of 6s. But they no longer taste as good as those I've eaten secretly when I was young . Now I am allowed to decide for most things in my life without a must to ask my parents. I have finally gained access to the freedom that I've longed. Feel good, and unrestricted.
Yet anything wrong that I do now, I wld hear such phrases,"Why do you NOT know this?! " And from there if I have the cheek to reply "I don't know wat! ", I shall be bombarded with yet even harsher reprimands. I realized that I can no longer make irresponsible statements and actions as that may bring about consequences to others.
See, there is always a price to pay for things that you have enjoyed.
To end this with a lighter note, I am still looking forward to more impt decisions I am prepared to undertake in the near future in spite of the fear of doing wrong. I also look forward to attending my best friends' weddings (hopefully whose grooms are not whom i am in love with!). I look forward to working hard in my future career (provided I am able to find an ideal one lor). I look forward to be able to buy a condominium (not a must, but ideally. To better fulfill my anticipated all-rounded and healthy lifestyle).
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Last but not least, thanks for the lovely and useful presents that some of you have chosen for me and the time spent to meet me and the many bdae SMSes I have received from even some lost-contact friends. Appreciated. Really did get the feeling of being a bdae gal! hahz. It's certainly a good start engine for me before sch officially reopens. Thanks a whole lot !
-Mixed feelings-excited, fuzzy, dread, anticipate.
-Greater responsibility shall befall.
-Have to be more prudent before signing papers
-Expected to be street-wise.
-More accessible to previously banned resources and places.
Honestly, I don't feel like an adult. I don't know how to behave like one too. Even if I do, I am obliged to just so behave under certain desired circumstances. My inner soul still feel so vulnerable and lost in this big big world.
I will miss the privilege of being a youngster and the excuse of saying "I don't know what!" whenever adults scold me for the wrongful acts that I commit. Now that I am supposed to be more mature and wise, I shall be prepared to face reprimands for things that I don't know but am supposed to know.
There is always a price to pay for things that you have enjoyed.
When I was much younger, eating ice-creams is not allowed without my mother's permission. My sis and I have to secretly go buy and eat them literally behind my mother's back(behind my mother's shop that is). That was when the young heart of mine was so determined to grow up faster to buy ice-cream whenever I want.
Yet on the other hand, I enjoyed the pampering from adults and the ignorance I am allowed to portray. I don't know what is the definition of "problems" and "troubles". All I know is that they don't really exist in my dictionary.
Now that I have aged. I can finally buy ice-creams whenever I want. I can even buy one big tub or a box of 6s. But they no longer taste as good as those I've eaten secretly when I was young . Now I am allowed to decide for most things in my life without a must to ask my parents. I have finally gained access to the freedom that I've longed. Feel good, and unrestricted.
Yet anything wrong that I do now, I wld hear such phrases,"Why do you NOT know this?! " And from there if I have the cheek to reply "I don't know wat! ", I shall be bombarded with yet even harsher reprimands. I realized that I can no longer make irresponsible statements and actions as that may bring about consequences to others.
See, there is always a price to pay for things that you have enjoyed.
To end this with a lighter note, I am still looking forward to more impt decisions I am prepared to undertake in the near future in spite of the fear of doing wrong. I also look forward to attending my best friends' weddings (hopefully whose grooms are not whom i am in love with!). I look forward to working hard in my future career (provided I am able to find an ideal one lor). I look forward to be able to buy a condominium (not a must, but ideally. To better fulfill my anticipated all-rounded and healthy lifestyle).
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last but not least, thanks for the lovely and useful presents that some of you have chosen for me and the time spent to meet me and the many bdae SMSes I have received from even some lost-contact friends. Appreciated. Really did get the feeling of being a bdae gal! hahz. It's certainly a good start engine for me before sch officially reopens. Thanks a whole lot !
Monday, January 03, 2005
It's so easy...
When a person says tactless words to you, it's so easy to think that what he/she says reflect what he/she really thinks. You have a choice to look into the meaning of his/her words or to just take it with a pinch of salt. So often I have realized, the cynical side of me takes the former choice so automatically. It is only after some time then I wld get enlightened by myself and wondered ridiculously why am I so concerned with that statement of his/her and forget abt it shortly.
When you get your results not comparable with the effort you have put in all along or perhaps with another fren, it's so easy to think that you are incompetent, stupid, just cannot do well these sorts of thoughts. You have a choice to give up or work harder. So often I have realized, the not-v-high self esteem of me choose instantaneously to think lowly of myself and to feel very disheartened. It's only after some time then I wld start telling myself to get my hopes up and just try again the next time round. Things dont always stay the same.
When a friend din't contact you, it's so easy to believe that you are forgotten. You have a choice to think that this frenship is sinking or to think that he/she is just busy. So often I have realized, the insecurity in me just lead me to think that he/she has new frens and doesnt need me anymore. It's only after some time then I start to reflect on myself-I dint take the initiative to contact him/her as well! He/She might be thinking the same way too!
When my sis leaves home everytime without bothering to inform me and also the fact that she wun be coming back home later, it's so easy to feel deserted and invisible in her eyes. It's so easy to think that she rather stays somewhere else than to face me at home once my parents are not in Sg. I have the choice to bear a personal grudge against her or to overlook her actions. I've realized I have taken both choices simultaneously.................................
It's easy to think negative. Very Easy. At least so much easier to think positive.
Thinking positive is an art. A skill. A gift. To master.
When your mood runs down, every sad news or tragedy on TV give u the reason to see the world in dark coloured glass. Every action or comment given by others provides negative reinforcement to what you already feel.
Result: You lose alot of things in life.
When your mood runs high, even the worst situation can allow u to see its hopes and possibilities, thereby giving you the motivation to work things out according to what u think and believe.
Result: You reap more than what you sow.
Please stay positive, my dearest friends.
When you get your results not comparable with the effort you have put in all along or perhaps with another fren, it's so easy to think that you are incompetent, stupid, just cannot do well these sorts of thoughts. You have a choice to give up or work harder. So often I have realized, the not-v-high self esteem of me choose instantaneously to think lowly of myself and to feel very disheartened. It's only after some time then I wld start telling myself to get my hopes up and just try again the next time round. Things dont always stay the same.
When a friend din't contact you, it's so easy to believe that you are forgotten. You have a choice to think that this frenship is sinking or to think that he/she is just busy. So often I have realized, the insecurity in me just lead me to think that he/she has new frens and doesnt need me anymore. It's only after some time then I start to reflect on myself-I dint take the initiative to contact him/her as well! He/She might be thinking the same way too!
When my sis leaves home everytime without bothering to inform me and also the fact that she wun be coming back home later, it's so easy to feel deserted and invisible in her eyes. It's so easy to think that she rather stays somewhere else than to face me at home once my parents are not in Sg. I have the choice to bear a personal grudge against her or to overlook her actions. I've realized I have taken both choices simultaneously.................................
It's easy to think negative. Very Easy. At least so much easier to think positive.
Thinking positive is an art. A skill. A gift. To master.
When your mood runs down, every sad news or tragedy on TV give u the reason to see the world in dark coloured glass. Every action or comment given by others provides negative reinforcement to what you already feel.
Result: You lose alot of things in life.
When your mood runs high, even the worst situation can allow u to see its hopes and possibilities, thereby giving you the motivation to work things out according to what u think and believe.
Result: You reap more than what you sow.
Please stay positive, my dearest friends.
Sunday, January 02, 2005
Celebrating New Year's Eve cum 2/4 's 8th anniversary.
Want to write it down so that I can recall some details of this chalet as I realize I have forgotten the individual past chalets that 2/4 had...maybe too many.
[Okie...wait. 2003's chalet is the one that Ms Lock brought her cutie son to see us rite]
The recent 2/4's chalet is yet another success after a history of dunno how many years having it. Though this time round is with significantly less ppl attending as compared to the past(though an addition of some 'new faces' that a few girls brought along), it's still as usual an enjoyable get-together session for all of us. Many thanks to Wee San, the da-jie-da of 2/4 in my eyes, who is always the main organizer for gatherings and parties. And also her committed clique member Jas. Its really not easy for us to hang on till our present 8th anniversary of class spirit if not for Wee San I must say. Note to her: Really appreciate your long-term efforts! Will miss you when u gonna leave for australia for 2 yrs without coming back. Keep in touch pls. Nonetheless, looking fwd to ur coming bdae party at your house.
The stupid weather recently really spoils some of the fun. Looks like next week some outdoor plans with frens might not even be able to carry out. In the chalet, wanna go to the beach to walk walk, rain. Wanna cycle, rain then stop and rain. What the... Luckily still managed to entertain ourselves by playing some mass games in our chalet. Learnt quite a number of cute games that can be played as ice-breakers in the future. hahz. Will especially not forget the wacky number game that lala introduced that have us saying numbers and showing fingers in such retarded manner. ;p And the first time in chalet that we receive a complaint by a secuity officer knocking on our door at 4 + am to reprimand us on our noise level. ops..
Despite the low attendance of guys this time round, still find it sweet that some guys like BL and Steven still bother to come for the bbq nite and ck even came to drop by for less than an hr just to say hi and play a round of Bridge with us b4 leaving with his church frens. Afterall, it is the thought that counts.
I like the gift that I got for my gift exchange. Its those grey 'MeToYou' bears that you seen before in gift shops. I dont especially fancy softtoys but that was cute larh so I like what I got.
Last but not least, chalet is also a time to try the different brands of tidbits and instant noodles. From my favourtie twisties to Calbee chips and crackers, chalet just give u the perfect reason to munch all those sinful stuff. Not to forget the oily yet delicious bbq food, the just-so-fantastic mango pudding and jelly that Jas has prepared for us plus the eventual 2/4 anniversary choc cake (only ate a bite cos was too full!) and special white choc oreo cookies(which BL has to remind us that it is fattening despite its size). In such tempting envt and having "influential" peers eating and offering you the food, how to resist from not eating you tell me? One of my New Year Resolutions definitely has to be gone with the wind for a moment( well told u resolutions are merely idealistic expectations!) It's simply mission impossible to build any resistance walls between those 'delicacies' and you in chalets!
So now its the 'regret time' lor. haz. Don't stop me ppl, going to detoxic my body system for the next few days. Alot of fruits, more vegetables, no oily or fried food, less (cannot eliminate, can only reduce) sweet food, more exercises. If you ever try offer me or encourage me eat those unhealthy stuff within this period, I shall be annoyed and label you negatively. (warn you first!)
Ok I know next Friday and Saturday, I gonna have to eat a bit more since..... :>
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School is reopening..feel kinda sianz....but still neutral feeling I guess... just dread the impending stress in hectic period, bus journeys, the-nothing-much-to-lk-fwd feeling. It isnt like JC or sec school where there is bound to have always something to discuss back in your own class of many familiar frens. No wonder some ppl like to live in halls, it serve as a place of belonging as well. Ok Lala, I promise I will ask u out for lunch in school after 'accused' by u in chalet for not asking u out. I hope to join the Youth Expedition Project this sem, hope will be successful ultimately. I am already looking fwd to the long holidays after this sem. OH MANZ! So happy to think of that already! Den can play more, can work, can go overseas, can sign up for classes etc! oh dear...i think I am sounding like a pri sch kid who just hate going to school. Of cos the reality isnt that bad larh. I am fine. I am a young adult already, turning 21...who respect the essence of education and have already possess the ability to alter how I should feel twds certain things or issues......=>I just so love school!
Ok..Enough...write too long I will end up "talking" to myself only. ha.
Happy New Year once again. 2005 shall be a good year for all!
[Okie...wait. 2003's chalet is the one that Ms Lock brought her cutie son to see us rite]
The recent 2/4's chalet is yet another success after a history of dunno how many years having it. Though this time round is with significantly less ppl attending as compared to the past(though an addition of some 'new faces' that a few girls brought along), it's still as usual an enjoyable get-together session for all of us. Many thanks to Wee San, the da-jie-da of 2/4 in my eyes, who is always the main organizer for gatherings and parties. And also her committed clique member Jas. Its really not easy for us to hang on till our present 8th anniversary of class spirit if not for Wee San I must say. Note to her: Really appreciate your long-term efforts! Will miss you when u gonna leave for australia for 2 yrs without coming back. Keep in touch pls. Nonetheless, looking fwd to ur coming bdae party at your house.
The stupid weather recently really spoils some of the fun. Looks like next week some outdoor plans with frens might not even be able to carry out. In the chalet, wanna go to the beach to walk walk, rain. Wanna cycle, rain then stop and rain. What the... Luckily still managed to entertain ourselves by playing some mass games in our chalet. Learnt quite a number of cute games that can be played as ice-breakers in the future. hahz. Will especially not forget the wacky number game that lala introduced that have us saying numbers and showing fingers in such retarded manner. ;p And the first time in chalet that we receive a complaint by a secuity officer knocking on our door at 4 + am to reprimand us on our noise level. ops..
Despite the low attendance of guys this time round, still find it sweet that some guys like BL and Steven still bother to come for the bbq nite and ck even came to drop by for less than an hr just to say hi and play a round of Bridge with us b4 leaving with his church frens. Afterall, it is the thought that counts.
I like the gift that I got for my gift exchange. Its those grey 'MeToYou' bears that you seen before in gift shops. I dont especially fancy softtoys but that was cute larh so I like what I got.
Last but not least, chalet is also a time to try the different brands of tidbits and instant noodles. From my favourtie twisties to Calbee chips and crackers, chalet just give u the perfect reason to munch all those sinful stuff. Not to forget the oily yet delicious bbq food, the just-so-fantastic mango pudding and jelly that Jas has prepared for us plus the eventual 2/4 anniversary choc cake (only ate a bite cos was too full!) and special white choc oreo cookies(which BL has to remind us that it is fattening despite its size). In such tempting envt and having "influential" peers eating and offering you the food, how to resist from not eating you tell me? One of my New Year Resolutions definitely has to be gone with the wind for a moment( well told u resolutions are merely idealistic expectations!) It's simply mission impossible to build any resistance walls between those 'delicacies' and you in chalets!
So now its the 'regret time' lor. haz. Don't stop me ppl, going to detoxic my body system for the next few days. Alot of fruits, more vegetables, no oily or fried food, less (cannot eliminate, can only reduce) sweet food, more exercises. If you ever try offer me or encourage me eat those unhealthy stuff within this period, I shall be annoyed and label you negatively. (warn you first!)
Ok I know next Friday and Saturday, I gonna have to eat a bit more since..... :>
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
School is reopening..feel kinda sianz....but still neutral feeling I guess... just dread the impending stress in hectic period, bus journeys, the-nothing-much-to-lk-fwd feeling. It isnt like JC or sec school where there is bound to have always something to discuss back in your own class of many familiar frens. No wonder some ppl like to live in halls, it serve as a place of belonging as well. Ok Lala, I promise I will ask u out for lunch in school after 'accused' by u in chalet for not asking u out. I hope to join the Youth Expedition Project this sem, hope will be successful ultimately. I am already looking fwd to the long holidays after this sem. OH MANZ! So happy to think of that already! Den can play more, can work, can go overseas, can sign up for classes etc! oh dear...i think I am sounding like a pri sch kid who just hate going to school. Of cos the reality isnt that bad larh. I am fine. I am a young adult already, turning 21...who respect the essence of education and have already possess the ability to alter how I should feel twds certain things or issues......=>I just so love school!
Ok..Enough...write too long I will end up "talking" to myself only. ha.
Happy New Year once again. 2005 shall be a good year for all!
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